grapes

The title of the post today is an homage to a song whose music video features the cremation of a piano. Oh joy. I could just tell you the name of the song but I like to make life difficult. For more information, call sushi. No I’m not going to give you her phone number. Neenerneenerneener.

Other things that make life difficult: articles on msn or yahoo that tell you how to be happy. In another tribute (I’m feeling tributary today – not in the way that there are various tributaries of the Mississippi River – YES I spelled it right.) I have decided to write my own “6 Barriers to Happiness and How to Overcome them”. Huzzah. Strap in your seatbelts, I don’t want anyone suing me because they punched their screens in anger. Of course this is all subjective so you may just stare and ask God why he created something like me.

6 Barriers to Happiness: 
1. fangirls who don’t know a thing about their fandom. Case in point: “Oh, Johnny Depp has children?! No! Now I can never marry him even though he is my father’s age!” And don’t tell me you would lovingly care for them as though they were your own, I won’t buy it.
2. evil people on forums. The horror of this situation is that you don’t know who they really are so punching them in the face is not an option. You can only sit, feeling the anger wind up in your belly, the radiation from the computer give you cancer, and the evil rays of the screen make you blind. In some cases people pound the table.
3. beaurocracy. This one comes from the cynical old Angry Asian man in me. He prefers my colon but sometimes, okay, often, has to migrate to my kidneys. This gives me back cramps which in turn stealthily deceives – no, let’s use some 9th grade vocab from The Crucible, beguiles - me into thinking that I’m growing taller. (I acknowledge now that I have Napoleon syndrome. Gahhh….) Anyways. Beaurocracy is what prevents me from dropping out of high school. Maybe I’ll realize when I’m old that it was for the better. After all, no one wants a hobo named Grapes. Beaurocracy is what makes my dad start embarassing arguments in fast-food restaurants. It’s why I dislike elementary. Elementary school is a pothole full of beaurocracy.
4. Boobah. I’ve never watched this show, for the sake of my sanity (whoops, too late to save that). I condone watching children’s TV, heck, I love children’s TV. But this is one show I have always shunned. They are like the flatulating marshmallows that the creators of Teletubbies always really wanted to create. Teletubbies, at least the old episodes, were good. They only farted when they sat down, which was not a lot. Surprising considered their size. “Big girl, you are beautiful!” But Boobahs fart whenever they move, and they move a lot. They dance gracefully and look like big girls gone wrong. Big girls that put on their corset outfit thing upside down and had too much burrito the night before.
5. Disney Channel. Once in a while something good comes out of the Disney factory. PotC, for example, was a good move. Choosing to play CatCF on ABC once in a while even though it’s a WB movie. Also, WALL-E, but that was more of a Pixar thing. You could also say Ariel, but I must argue that The Little Mermaid spawned Arieldepp and I’m still iffy on that one. When I started #5, I paused to think of something good that came out of Disney Channel so that I could be clever, but there was nothing. Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers give old people reason to hate me just because I’m 15. I never even get a chance to say, “But I don’t like them.” “Lovebug” is the fluke in my hate, but the guitar solo and singing at the end of the song makes me hate them again so it’s okay. Also, “Twilight”. Just because I’m young doesn’t mean I’m in love with Edward. Or Jacob. He used to be Sharkboy, for heaven’s sake.
6. canker sores. The last and final one! I could have picked something more universal like traffic but I actually like traffic. Maybe that’s because I’m not the one driving, but traffic gives me more time to force my music on my family on the way to church. Over the summer the health teacher told us that no one gets sores in their mouth unless they have herpes or they bit it. This freaks me out because I always learned that we got sores because of unbalance in our bodies. Yeah…it’s a Chinese thing. Just the words “balance”, “within”, and “body” tells you that it’s Chinese. I would have thrown in “chi” but that would have been too much. And now it’s apparently herpes passed down through generations. GAHHHHH. I don’t know though…I prefer the Chinese version. They have been correct many-a-time before. Canker sores make eating spaghetti difficult and painful. If you bite your mouth, you will most certainly bite it again. After biting it there is immense pain, and this weird cold shock runs down your back. Then there is dread. And for the more experienced, it is dread not only for the canker sore but also for the next time you will inevitably bite the same wound before it has healed.

Ways to Overcome Them: Again, subjective.
1. Listen to Mika. His music is happy but his lyrics probably match your angry/sad feelings.
2. Watch a Johnny Depp movie. Either be happy because it’s freaking Johnny Depp and it’s an awesome happy movie, or feel better for yourself because Axel Blackmar/Edward Scissorhands (“I can’t.”)/Sweeney Todd/Gilbert Grape’s life sucks.
3. Read fanfiction. It’s horrible escapism but that’s exactly why you should read it.  You will be taken on a magical journey in which you find an enchanted relic, meet (insert celebrity crush here), hate each other, go on an adventure, fall in love, and live happily ever after until episode 2, where an evil villain from the fandom (if he/she has already been defeated canonically a relative will do) tries to destroy your love. You will probably be kidnapped then saved by (insert celebrity crush here). If you don’t have Internet access a copy of Twilight will do.
4. Get in the shower, turn on the water, and imagine yourself several years from now. Now act out how you will become famous and great as revenge to the evil people who tortured you in high school. Only dorks do this.
5. Watch “Wonder Pets” or “What’s Cookin’ With Theo and Cleo”. You’ll see.
5. Play violin with your wrists and a knife.

I was going to add “teenagers” and “people who are ‘random’ and like to announce that they are so” to the end of the list but I figured you could see my rants in other posts (I was probably PMSing) to read my thoughts on that. For the record, humor is best done when you don’t mention that it is being done.

Okeeday. This list was rather sucky but I was a bit traumatized by my attempt at girliness today. Die.

PS. If anyone can find a recording of Sean Connery saying “sit”, I’d like to hear it. Or see it, even better.