grapes

Sometimes what is discouraging is too much technical jargon. When people start dropping names of various cameras and softwares and telling you you need to have them or else you will fail. Personally, I remind myself that part of the fun is finding other ways, and I power on with my plans.

I’ve changed my Youtube account to director, and I’ve on cloud nine about it ever since. Having it up there makes me want to have something to show for that label, and that I’m not just full of wishful thinking.

I was asked to put down who I thought my work was similar to, and I chose not to answer the question. I believe in subtlety, over many things. The one constant reminder I have for myself when writing is “show not tell”. I know we all learn it in elementary school, but I like letting the reader find things out for themselves. Then again, when I’m trying to emulate Douglas Adams subtlety is of a different kind.

What with final grades just around the river bend, I’m going to gripe about something. I’ve got two overlapping sets of friends. I really don’t want to offend anyone here but one group performs better academically than the other. Please don’t snidely think in your mind about how “academics aren’t everything”, because then you will completely miss my point.

I feel pressured to underperform in class. I never thought those words would come from me. Aside from math class, a B is disappointing. This isn’t coming from my parents, it’s coming from my own expectations. And I’ve never been brainwashed into the idea that only an A is acceptable. My parents have been lenient all my life and because of that I try for myself. It’s a waste of time if I go to school to get mediocre grades and not learn anything. And I know I have the mental ability to get an A.

Which is why it’s irritating when my not-so-academically-high-up friends tell me to suck it up because I should be happy with a B. I’ve got my own standards – and they’re self-driven. I wish they would let me continue griping about B’s. The last chem test, I got a C, and it’s screwed my grade over. I’ll admit that in fact, it’s what they told me about how a B is good enough that made me start to slack off. Whell. It’s my own fault, however, for succumbing to their pressure.

In no way do I mean that anyone is stupid. Reverse prejudice can happen. You hear about it toward white people all the time. I guess the same goes here. Let me keep my standards in peace – I pride myself on them. I’m not enslaved to anyone else’s standards but my own. You can insert your own joke here about saving me from myself.

My own parents always held me up to the “did you try your best” standard. But even if most Asian parents are ridiculous, they must be onto something. Their “A’s only” policy gives you guidance in your confusing youth, a goal that stays clear amidst everything else because someone else is enforcing it. Now if we could only learn to balance that with nonacademics as well. It’s okay to remember that other people sometimes know what’s good for you more than you yourself know. As teenagers, we just have to put our pride away and recognize that. Sometimes as adults too.

Anyway, today was the last day of comps and I finally remember what freedom feels like. Two and a half months of my own schedule – a taste of independence without having to actually support yourself.

Crap. Jocelyn just brought home an “early birthday gift”. Guess what it is.

You’re right, it’s a PotC: DMC poster. I’m not sure what to make of this. It’s really sweet of her, I just have internal conflict with whether or not to put it up or not. And it’s a more complicated conflict than it sounds on paper, so I’m just going to take my time and quietly figure it out for myself.

I’d really like to start working seriously on a novel. I suppose I’m subconsciously looking for ideas. There’s always that struggle between screenplay and novel. Lack of ideas is not something I struggle with – it’s deciding which form I want to turn it into. Even between tweet and poetry, poetry and song.

I love when the gardeners come to my house, but only if I’m in the back room with the windows closed and the shades down. In any other room it’s horrible, like an air raid. I don’t know why the back room makes it any less of an air raid, but there you have it.

There they go again – even in my own house the rumors about my high school float about. Jocelyn just related something her friend said about how her sister doesn’t want to go there because…blah blah blah. I didn’t here the last part because the gardener chose that moment to cut grass close to me. Then my dad agreed with her and did what he always does when it comes to my school- said some things about how it’s not that great.

I don’t know what it is, because it’s not resentment. Not when it’s my own family and none of them have been rejected from the school. I hate that people always try to strip us down, to debunk the myth. It is a great school, more so than being the top-scoring high school in California. Nothing has happened to make me regret going there – they have only given me what I expected, and benefits. Really, it’s a normal high school with accelerated courses. You’re forced to do well, and that’s not a bad thing.

Maybe it’s like a self-defense, to reassure herself that if she doesn’t get in it’s okay. It is okay not to go to my high school, but really. Do you have to bring us down while pushing yourself up?

Here’s where I will debunk my own myth. Our teachers do not all give you too much homework. And I’m sure that not teaching and forcing students to study at home happens at every high school – it’s part of the experience, learning to study on your own. Please, hovering Asian mothers, stop telling these horror stories at your local Asian mother gathering. Give your little naive seventh grader some time and he/she will realize that it’s better than it seems. Also, it will be good for your little scrub to learn self-studying. He can’t have everything handed over on a silver platter.

The debunkment of the myth is this: that we all procrastinate. That’s why we stay up until 4 AM. It’s a nasty habit, and one I’m always trying to cure myself of – but that’s one huge task in itself. This year I did pretty well and for half the year I did go to sleep before 10 PM every night. Not so much now, because my interests lie elsewhere rather than on my schoolwork. Not partying and friends, mind you. I want to leave high school and do things – anything. I’m sure these sentiments are familiar to many older readers – if they exist.

It’s not the amount of homework, at least not yet for me.

Asian mothers everywhere gasp and scream in horror.

Huzzah, I just got the email. I got into the National Honor Society.

Just had some sort of weird idea. What if I left my computer on every day and typed as things happpened. Even if that is what I’m doing now in a way. I think it’d be interesting, to say the least. But we can’t have everything so I’m going to consider it for now.

As for figuring things out, no, I don’t know anything right now. I need time. Suffer through these mediocre posts for now. Thanks. No really, thanks a lot. There’s no sarcasm in that sentence.